can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
