listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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