my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
