You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
