the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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