dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
