Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
