my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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