You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
