so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
