I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
