Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
