doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
