How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
