Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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