there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
