so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
