That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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