1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
