Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
