Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
