i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
