I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Life without a bra equals bliss.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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