I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i was born a porn star she said
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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