I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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