i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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