I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
