I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
