dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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