I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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