Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
