you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
