wrigley field is MILF paradise
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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