Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
