Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
