Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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