why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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