We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he was CRYING into my vagina
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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