She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
