i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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