This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
