my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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