the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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