Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
