just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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