i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
