Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
