so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
