mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
