Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
